your documentary is mine

"everyone has their own sad story and woe; if we all threw our dirty laundry in the middle of the room, how quickly we would pick our own."-heidi fleiss

So i guess i will keep up with this thing, even though i am terrible about posting regularly.

I've been sick so I have been watching documentaries in my room endlessly. Seriously i get so into them and become obsessed with whatever the topic. One that i watched was about ana and it totally spun me out. I am recovering from pills and alcohol and live in a sober house. When i started to drink  a lot i shy'd away from ana thoughts mostly because i replaced the food for alcohol. Well look where that got me. But i guess now that i am recovering and "happy" (by happy i mean i am seriously depressed) i have totally gained weight.
I USED to be a size 0 before i started drinking
I WAS a size 2 when i went into rehab and..
now that i am "healthy" i am a whopping size X - i don't even want to say

in reality most would think "wow what a stuck up bitch...she must be crazy.. that isn't fat at all." in reality, I am 5'3", and well, let just say when you are that short, there isn't anywhere for the fat to hide, so it definitely shows. When i was younger, i trained for sport everyday for 2-3 hours then on the weekends it was away games which meant 5-6 hour workout. and well since my dad died i gave up on myself, started drinking and got chubby.

Most would say i am still not chubby, but i think of it like this: i have been a certain weight my whole life and while i may not look fat, i FEEL uncomfortable with my body. I never thought i would have cellulite or a roll on my stomach that couldn't be sucked in if i really tried. so here it goes.....weight loss day one

Today i jogged/walked for about 45 minutes
and i ate a fajita (small flour tortilla, avacado slices, cilantro, steak, onion, and bell pepper)

tomorrow i hope i feel better from this nasty cold i have and can work out harder :-)

nighty
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