your documentary is mine

"everyone has their own sad story and woe; if we all threw our dirty laundry in the middle of the room, how quickly we would pick our own."-heidi fleiss

So i guess i will keep up with this thing, even though i am terrible about posting regularly.

I've been sick so I have been watching documentaries in my room endlessly. Seriously i get so into them and become obsessed with whatever the topic. One that i watched was about ana and it totally spun me out. I am recovering from pills and alcohol and live in a sober house. When i started to drink  a lot i shy'd away from ana thoughts mostly because i replaced the food for alcohol. Well look where that got me. But i guess now that i am recovering and "happy" (by happy i mean i am seriously depressed) i have totally gained weight.
I USED to be a size 0 before i started drinking
I WAS a size 2 when i went into rehab and..
now that i am "healthy" i am a whopping size X - i don't even want to say

in reality most would think "wow what a stuck up bitch...she must be crazy.. that isn't fat at all." in reality, I am 5'3", and well, let just say when you are that short, there isn't anywhere for the fat to hide, so it definitely shows. When i was younger, i trained for sport everyday for 2-3 hours then on the weekends it was away games which meant 5-6 hour workout. and well since my dad died i gave up on myself, started drinking and got chubby.

Most would say i am still not chubby, but i think of it like this: i have been a certain weight my whole life and while i may not look fat, i FEEL uncomfortable with my body. I never thought i would have cellulite or a roll on my stomach that couldn't be sucked in if i really tried. so here it goes.....weight loss day one

Today i jogged/walked for about 45 minutes
and i ate a fajita (small flour tortilla, avacado slices, cilantro, steak, onion, and bell pepper)

tomorrow i hope i feel better from this nasty cold i have and can work out harder :-)

nighty
9

? ? ?

Well hello, me.

I always start a diary with the best intentions. "This time i will not give up after a day or two." Even purchasing the cutest little notebook that borders or barnes and noble had to offer at the time, hoping that would keep my interest. 

So, why now? why online? And will this time really be any different? Honestly, I don't know. But i do know that if i had kept a journal from the very first time i had ever started till this point in time and actually stuck with it, i might have been on Oprah. (not really, but it would have been interesting to go back and read about my own life,cause well it has been just that; very interesting.) Maybe the typing of the keys will keep me attracted this time. That sound makes me feel oddly productive.

First off, I'd like to hate on my brain for it's lack of sleep normality. Really. It IS just that bad. For example, on a night like tonight.It is now 2:59 and i can NOT sleep. YAy for Nick at Night playing episodes of Family Matters. This comes as a comfort, as i watched the show as a kid. What little dillemas (?) they face. A life of which i wish i had. Anywho, still not tirrrrrred and hating it.

The house i currently live in is large and filled with very different roomates. Some chill and some waaaaay not worth my time. It sounds mean, but really, sometimes when a person has nothing but negative things to say, i really dont want them around me. Period.(especially girls who fill the world with vicious lies about anyone and everyone to make themselves seem a little bit umm better? ya, well when they grow up a little they will realize that a person who does these things must be in a lot of pain themselves. Also, it just makes you look like a fucking bitch cause no one believes your dramatics anyway.

(sorry, im totally bitching myself. can you tell i live with a drama queen?)

I hope i get a new phone this weekend, really! If everyone whom sees your phone winces in disgust because the screen is so cracked you just might need a new one. 

ok, gonna go read because well i dont even know why. but family matters is over, and cornel wallace kid commercials aren't cuttin it.

i love you 9